I have found this always works!
Whenever i am lonely, whenever i want My Man (MM) to walk into a room to share my company, all i have to do is:
a) be unrolling thick elastic pants off my vacuum-packed stomach and getting them stuck over my arse so i am grunting and kind of hopping about in a really unwieldy sweaty fat girl fashion
b) examining my cellulite buttocks and thighs in a brightly lit room where there is no escape
c) let out a bit of 'wind' that hangs around like it's stuck to my clothes/hair/life forever
d) be inserting a tampon/panty liner whilst awkwardly astride a dressing room stool, for maximum triple mirror reflective embarrassment.
i also have a random prong of hair protruding from the nipple. which has to be plucked. That's always worth yanking off when I need a man in the room to watch me.
And today he caught me with a pair of nail scissors stuck up my nasal cavity whilst trimming my nose bush.
I am coming to the conclusion that beauty is a very ugly business indeed.
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