I Dye:You Die!

While I'm here, I'd like to rant about home hair dye. When I was a maid we thought nothing of going down to Woollies or Boots and picking a pack of hair dye off the shelf, plopping it on our hair and gambling with the results. What fun!
Some results were hilarious (I remember creating a particularly vivid citrus orange when I put Belle Blonde peroxide over Belle Color black) but the point is we just went ahead and did it.
Now in my Crone-age, I have of course forsworn the home hair dye in honour of superior salon techniques (and prices). However, as I was recently ousted from my job I thought I might give a home dyeing another go. The money isn't coming in at the moment, but the silver grey is certainly still coming out.
DYE CAN MAKE YOU DIE. FACT.
I couldn't believe all the warnings and frightening capital letter instructions in bold and underlined on the pack. Too scary. How do Clairol et al make money out of these things when it looks like you are gambling with death when you apply Chocolate Cherry to your tresses??? The inner leaflet was even worse. It ordered me (on pain of death) to do a patch test behind my ear 48 hours before even thinking about dyeing my hair. Oooh err.
I did as I was instructed and waited. Then, in true paranoid Crone style, I asked MM to see if it had gone 'red, itchy or swollen' 10 minutes after applying. "Hmmm, looks REALLY red," he said. I started getting panicky. CHOCOLATE CHERRY WAS GOING TO KILL ME!!!
i went back upstairs. Re-read leaflet: "If you notice ANY shortness of breath GET IMMEDIATE MEDICAL ADVICE". I began to get a tightness, a hitch in my throat. The stingy itchyness behind my ear ... ARRRRRRGGGHHHHHHHH of course I rushed to the bathroom to wash the fuckin stuff off -- what a complete worry Crone I am, especially as MM then said "Well, it's ALWAYS red behind your ear." What a waste of £9.45 too. You can't even get your money back.
Why can't things be simple like they used to be? All I want is 100% grey coverage and a natural looking sheen, at home, in under 10 minutes.
Looks like this Crone is going to have to fork out £45 to go back to the salon after all.